Email takes too much of my time. Not because I drop everything I’m doing to read an email whenever it arrives, but because when I write one, I review it at least once before sending it.

I’m almost obsessive and/or compulsive about this. I have to read over the email to make sure I said what I wanted to say and didn’t say anything I didn’t intend. I need to be certain my message wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings (if feelings are at stake). Instead of being a convenience, email turns into a big project.

Sometimes, if my emotions are involved in the email, I feel like a jerk even if I reviewed the email multiple times before sending. I feel horrible for having asserted my own point of view.

Why?

When I was about to graduate from high school, I finally decided that one of the keys to happiness was to stop caring what other people thought about me. I wished I’d have thought of that a couple of years earlier. But this was a liberating epiphany for me. The second part of this discovery (and perhaps just as important) was the realization that it was conceited of me to think that other people thought anything about me at all, let alone thought negative things about me.

I thought I didn’t care anymore about what others think about me, and I’ve learned I was wrong. Or at least that it didn’t last.

I have realized that honestly, I still do care what people think about me. I don’t like being thought of as an idiot. I hate the thought that someone may think I’m a mean person, and it’s worse if I said or did something to encourage them to think that. If I’ve sent an email expressing a debatable point of view, I fear the responses that will point out the fallacies in my arguments and reveal that I lack the ability to reason. I’m a coward, so I don’t often speak up, at least via email, a medium that limits my ability to express myself correctly, given that all nonverbal communication is missing (emoticons scarcely count).

I belong to a certain listserv of probably 150 to 200 people, only about 10 of whom are vocal members. I’m one of the non-vocal ones. Every once in a while, when a lengthy thread unfolds, I develop an opinion that’s a response to or correlates with several other responses. So when I feel strongly enough to contribute to the conversation, my email ends up being quite long because I have all these different concepts that I’m bringing together.

I sent one of those today. I may have come across as somewhat negative. I explained my disagreement with another person’s specific comments and the direction that I think things need to take. I started that email yesterday and let it sit in my Drafts folder overnight. Then I worked at it a little more here and there today, even as the original thread broke into two or three branches. I accounted for those in my email if they were applicable. I had a coworker read through the email for me to point out possible weak aspects.

Even when I finally sent the email, I wasn’t satisfied. I felt bad for asserting my point of view and the possibility of coming across like I was attacking someone. I dreaded being exposed as a witless blunderer.

Yet the problem with this fear, if it keeps people from speaking up, is that many good ideas may go unspoken. If I fear opening my mouth because the law of diffusion dictates that my foot will fly into the open hole, then I may deprive the world of a good idea and any positive effect that idea would have had.

Now, whether I hurt someone’s feelings is partly on my shoulders but mostly on theirs. As a communicator, I ought to be able to give voice to my thoughts in a neutral and level-headed manner. However, any given person in the audience chooses whether or not to be insulted by what I say. I don’t have any control over that. I can make it easier for people to be offended by resorting to name-calling and belitting language, but even then, it’s the recipients’ choice whether to take offense.

Knowing that doesn’t make me feel much better, though.

I know I have at least two responses to my email at this point. I left them alone for a while until after I could write this post and admit my cowardice and over-sensitivity.

As I said, I had to speak up in order to give others an additional point of view to consider. But I suffer from the classic fear of rejection. I don’t want to be one to intensify negative feelings, especially toward myself. But that’s one of the risks of opening my mouth.

So it’s time to open those emails and see how big of an idiot people think I am. As if I care. Because I do.

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